Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
