A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
