she looked like the before picture.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
