is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
