I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
