There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
