Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
