Sponge bath it is.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Randomize
