i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
