he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
