think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
