I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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