The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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