Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
