I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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