To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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