you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
