I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
