i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
