i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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