making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
