the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
