your parents love me but you hate me
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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