Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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