You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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