I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
