You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
