I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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