ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
