I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
