guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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