you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i've created a new STD.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
