I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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