Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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