i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
