I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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