cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
