I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
