Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
