The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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