Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
