I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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