she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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