I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
