While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
