She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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