Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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