I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
