Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
