Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
