You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
